Operation Sleep Rule Change was about getting some more space in our bed in a gentle, respectful way. If you missed the first post, it's here. In summary, we were aiming to get Chubs to sleep in her cot until 3am, and then to come into out bed. Sometimes she does this on her own - the last few nights she's slept in her cot until 4:30am, but it's certainly not consistent.
It was working for a while, however things started to fall apart. Chubs was sick a lot, Dear Husband was away so I was flying solo and Chubs started waking more frequently and needing more settling. Over the Christmas break we had two trips away for over a week each which meant a break in routine.
Perhaps most importantly, the plan (that Dear Husband and I would get more sleep) wasn't working. In August I said: To be honest, Dear Husband and I aren't feeling as wonderfully well rested as I
was hoping. As I supsected (but was dearly hoping I was wrong) I think at lot of
our constant state of exhaustion is more to do with having a vibrant, beautiful,
bouncy toddler than a cosleeping one. To resettle Chubs in the middle of the night when she is in our bed is much, much easier that getting up to feed/ cuddle/ rock her in the cot. I'm sure we all get much more sleep when she's in with us. Often Dear Husband and I don't know who brough her into bed with us or what time it was now that we aren't trying to change it.
The final straw for me was one night when she wouldn't settle in her cot. I felt so mean. I was trying to settle my young child in a cage in a room all on her own so that I could go into a separate room, and not only share that room with another loved one, but actually share a bed! Why should I, as a grown adult who knows all about object permanence and how to ask for help clearly, get to share a bed with someone I love and at the same time expect my baby to sleep on her own in a cot in a separate room? She clearly needs the comfort and closeness - this is normal toddler behaviour.
Yes, we still get a lot of diagonal starfishing and bed angels. There's nothing glamorous about waking up with one foot in your ear and the other in your back. The problems that caused us to seek Operations Sleep Rule Change still exist. However, it now seems that these things aren't going to be fixed by having me stand by Chubs' cot several times a night.
I don't regret bringing Chubs into bed with us when she was little and teaching her 'bad habits'. I don't regret feeding her to sleep, nor 'training' her to sleep through the night at weeks or months old. This is all normal behaviour. She's a happy, healthy, thriving little girl. She won't always be in bed with us, she won't always feed through the night, she won't always want cuddles during the night - well at least not from Mum and Dad anyway.
I've never heard anyone say "I wish that I had cuddled my child less when she was little". So, for the time being at least, we will continue to love, cuddle, feed, rock and sleep togetherin the big bed - just where everyone wants to be. Even if it is a bit crowded.
Beautifully written, and so very true about babies and toddlers needing the comfort and security. :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks AbbeyCat. If only it was a bit less squishy!
DeleteYou just need a bigger bed! We were struggling after the first few months of bedsharing (we did this from birth, Dear Daughter would accept nothing less) and Dear Husband had moved to the spare room even though we have a king size (5ft) bed. We went to Ikea, bought a 3ft 'day bed' which is basically a normal bed but with three slightly cot-like sides (perfect for preventing accidental roll-off) and pushed it up against the king size. We filled the small gap between the mattresses with firm upholstery foam covered with a fitted sheet. Now our family bed is 8ft+ wide and we all sleep brilliantly, with no plans to ever try and get Dear Daughter sleeping in her own room (which is handy, as we don't actually have a bedroom set aside for her yet). She'll go when she's truly ready, and there will always be space for her to come back in case of nightmares etc when she's much older. It's been the perfect solution for us! I completely agree that it's madness for us to expect the smallest member of the family to sleep alone when the two biggest members get to cuddle up together all night long. We love all being together at night and wouldn't have it any other way.
ReplyDeleteThanks anon, I would love a huge multi bed but unfortunately it's not something that will work at our place due to the room arrangments. I can dream of it, though :)
DeleteFair enough. It's a bit of a squash in our room to be honest, but worth it. I'm very lazy and hate the thought of actually getting out of my warm bed in the night, so going to a different room even if just to collect Dear Daughter and bring her back to my bed is to be avoided if at all possible for me! I am in awe of you for standing over your little girl's cot in the night trying to resettle her multiple times while at the same time maintaining the lovely caring philosophy about sleep that you have. I suspect most of the people who engage in controlled crying / cry it out go down that route because getting up at night is just too hard.
ReplyDeleteVicki
(P.S. My name was Vicki in my first comment as well, it was just that selecting 'Anon' was the quickest way to post.)
I must confess Vicki that it is my husband who usually goes and gets Chubs from her cot! I've outsourced that one :)
DeleteI think your conclusion makes a lot of sense, and I'm happy that you've decided to do it this way rather than take a harsher approach. In the long run, this will be just a short stage in your lives together.
ReplyDeleteHave you considered the possibility of putting a bed in her room where you can lie next to her to settle her? Depending on space, you might have to take out the cot to make room for the bed, and if you've been relying on the cot to keep her safe when awake (for example, if when you take a shower she won't play safely in the bathroom but always wants to climb the bookcase or smash things in the kitchen) then I can see why you'd object, if you can't fit the cot in another room. For my family, putting the family bed in the child's room worked out really well! We did quite a bit of co-sleeping, but he was hardly ever in OUR bed.
Hi Becca, we did consider a matteress in her room but sadly there's not enough space. We still need the cot because she spends the first part of the night in there when we aren't asleep with her, she generally naps in there and alsofor containment as you said. When we get her a big girl bed we are getting one with a trundle, so that will get us two more adult sized beds.
DeleteI'm a big fan of whatever works! Sounds like that works for you guys. If we had a guest room, one of us would probably end up in there, or we'd move other funriture in there and have a massive big bed-room.